I wish...

"What can i do to help?"

Well, can you erase my past? My memories? My thoughts? My pain?

Well?
Can you?

Its counting the months and feeling the days.

And suddenly, its been 108 days.

One thing i have learnt today:

For reports being sent out, the cover letter should be written by the principal.

Read any good books lately?

I am trying to establish if
a) its something about me which i can change
b) its something not about me which i can never emulate
c) its something about me which i can never change
d) its just me

I really rather it be (a).

Right.
My mind has been pretty preoccupied.
"Please don't give up now."
But really, didn't you give up on me first?

Am i giving up?
If anything, perhaps i've given up on myself first.

Shrug.
I have so much thoughts
but somehow all of them slipped my mind now.

Sometimes i write the most pathetic things.

I have a smelly pillow,
that's my constant bedfellow.
Its really cuddly
and extremely smelly.
And most certainly better than any gigalo.

A case of HFMD was found in my school yesterday. Alot of disinfecting going on. A perpetual smell of dettol lingered on everyone. Any more cases and we might have to shut down school before the school holidays next week.

I slide back into the mud pit these last two days.

I want more control of my mind.
Sometimes it gets out of control.
That's dangerous.

I hate hugging the toilet bowl.

I like my new haircut.

Saturday night.

This is the first time someone bought me a dress for a present.
The dress is a red with floral prints, thin shoulder straps and long.
Its very elegant and i shall be wearing it for the formal dinner next week.
I also received a black shawl to go along with the dress.
I liked it very much.
Thank you.

Saturday afternoon.

Friend's baby girl is one month old. I had the chance to carry her in my arms for a while. All i thought about was how much she had grown since i saw her (when she was 1 day old). She slept in my arms. And many other arms before mine. I was worried if she was comfortable being cradled in my arms. She squirmed a little and opened her eyes. Did i feel something momentuous? No. I just hoped that she wouldn't cry. Only when she was taken from me, i realized that perhaps it would have been more appropriate to think about more symbolic things. Perhaps of life and death. Of being parents. Of being married. Of having children. Of responsibilities. But all i cared about is if she would be uncomfortable and start to cry in my arms.

What is my life and hereafter?
Will i be lonely?
What thoughts are these?
Am i lacking in something?
What should i really be thinking?

Watched Guns and Talks during the week.
I enjoyed it.
It was light hearted and made me laugh.
It is important to watch something funny and laugh at the end of a tiring day.
That's why we did not watch Unfaithful.

At least this is what the official reason should be.

Weekend with him. I am ignoring my own home. Should i feel bad? I feel better really. I am doing something useful. Helping him with his things. But i still ask questions i shouldn't be asking. And he is still trying.

Its been awhile. What have i been up to? I am not really sure. Days passed by in a haze really. I remember meeting a friend for coffee on impulse. Had an interesting chat. When was the last time i did something on a spur of a moment? Plenty of times. These days i don't know what i am really thinking. I am grappling with the fact that perhaps i am more common than i think i am. I don't think deep thoughts. No insightful nuggets of wisdoms to share. Really plain. I can't even look at the everyday things that happened around me and try to derive some deeper meaning in them. I had dinner. Perhaps lunch. I worked. I came home. I slept. I drove to and fro. This is me. This is my life.

Is it important to have meaning in one's life? Another existentialistic train of thought? But really, i seldom go further than that. I thought that i needed meaning. Well, human beings need a purpose don't they? I thought i had some. Well, i thought. But these days, i don't think i do. I moved from moment to moment. No bigger picture in mind. I work for small goals. If you can call it goals. But there are times when i think there must be a bigger, grander meaning to my life. That will boost my ego. I looked for it half-heartedly during my spare time. Like now. But to be critical, there really isn't. I don't loom very large in the general scheme of things, of life. But then, majority of the people don't. Perhaps some of us would like to think that we are. Oh sure, we live for ourselves. I tell myself that to make myself feel bigger within my own self concept. Do others really care? Its pretty senseless. Such common drivel. I am common. You are common. Yet we tell ourselves that we are unique. No one is born the same. It satisfy my ego.

I make decisions based on what immediate or short term results i would get. The focus is narrow. How do i make it happy? Where should i stand? What should i say? What must i do? Little motions of the body and words being conveyed. Short term goals. Immediate reinforcement. Consequences. No bigger plan in mind.

Philosophy in a sushi diner.

Imagine that God is the guy behind the little window, churning out little plates of sushi and dishing them out onto the conveyor belt of life.
You can look at what life has to offer you and make a choice.
There might be nothing you like on the belt, but God never promised that he will make everything to your order.
Bad options are still choices. You always have a choice.

There are three types of consumer.
One that happily takes what there is on offer.
One that complains about everything on the belt but still takes what there is on offer.
One that decided, fuck it, and not eat sushi altogether.

Getting the waiter to go talk to the chef is not an option.

Sunday afternoon. Playground.
Two boys, aged around 11 and 8 tied a long piece of rubber hose around the ankles of a little boy lying beneath the monkey bars. They were attempting to pull the little boy up by his ankles using the rubber hose slung off one of the bars like a pulley. Surprisingly, or perhaps not so surprisingly, the little boy, who must be around 4 or 5, was just as enthusiastic if not more, and was happily complying to instructions given in their various attempts to make the experiment work. Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, none of the boys had enough strenght and the experiment was abandoned halfway.

Saturday night.
Amidst the haze and lights of the city, i witnessed the disintegration of a particularly large piece of space junk at east coast park.
Felt elated.


Happy birthday pa.

Bought my mom, bro and him to thai village sharksfin place for dinner.
Mom say she couldn't have sharksfin in china for some reason and now have a craving for it.
Hence sharksfin it is.

Happy birthday Marmee...

Grandma in nursing home is better.
Feeding tube is off and is able to take some blended food (not unlike baby food).
Conscious and looking better than in ages.

The cat sleeps in my lap... again.
It feels warm and cuddly.

One guy proposed by asking if she will go look at a show flat with him.

A shirt is a shirt.
A book is a book.
People give inanimated objects meanings.

Gifts too.
What meanings do you ascribe to your gifts?

Do i have the right to insist on making you keep everything that affects me away?
Her gifts drove me up the wall.
But then, they're your possessions.
Not mine.
Unfortunately, i cannot be wholly detached from their existence
because what i am now, is a consequence of what it has been.
I am selfish.
I care very much about how i am feeling.
Perhaps that will always comes first now.
I can't help that.

Went bowling on saturday.
First game 107 points.
Second game 58 points.
Erratic performance due to increasing pain to my right arm.

I wish i have cable at home.

The difference between a specially bought gift and personal one that belonged to someone once.

I have never given a gift which belonged to myself to someone else.
Especially if i like the object.
Am i selfish?
Why do i take the easy way out of buying a totally new gift abeitedly sought after with care?
Is it the easy way out?
I felt pale in comparision to the person who would give away their possessions.

It came on 3rd May 2002.
Everything fell one week later.

I tore up a book on sunday.
I was shocked.
I have always loved books but i hated this one.
Hated it for the meanings that came with it.
I tore out a page and it took all of my strength.
Strength which came out of impulsivity.
Almost ferocious.
Despite my love and respect for books, despite being shocked, i did not regret it.
Infact, i wanted to incinerate the whole book.
Burn it to ashes.
I still do.

Was down at the UK funfair on saturday at Jurong.
Spent almost $70, mainly on games (didn't win anything except a small bear) and two rides, G-force & Ferris Wheel.
I enjoyed blowing my mind out with fear on gravity defying rides.
Can't say my partner agreed with me.
Nonetheless, he volunteered to go with me on the G-force despite his fear of heights.
I thought it was pretty brave of him, especially when i didn't asked him to.
He went up, i felt partially, was due to wanting to keep me company.
And this was the same person who had said that i could never get him onto one of these rides for a million dollars.
The moments while stuck up in the air before the ride began was pretty frightening.
"I hate you alice"
"I hate you too"
After that, we started to scream.
He went on screaming for a while, and i wondered if his eyes were closed.
I had my eyes wide open and after a few seconds, i stopped screaming as well.
As I went round and round, seeing the world from different angles, i felt strangely detached.
Perhaps i am getting immune to the excitement.
I used to enjoy such rides because it makes your mind numb and wipe out your ability to think for the moment.
It didn't happened on this ride.
"Are you still alive?" he asked as he noticed my silence, during a lull before the next gravity-defying lurch.
I screamed a little after that just to reassure him that i am.
The ride ended and i was happy.
The ride itself was a tad of a disappointment but i was glad that he was with me.

Didn't managed to see the fireworks with some friends at kallang river because it was really congested.
But managed to catch part of it while stuck in a traffic jam on ECP.
Felt strangely happy.

My cat just left a half dead baby lizard on my carpet.
I couldn't help but felt really sorry because there was no way it would have survived.

My cat fell in the toilet bowl.
Too bad for him, that's the second bath in one week.

I want to say more.
But i am really tired.

Watching my brother getting things ready to study in london makes me feel strangely nostalgic...
Perhaps that's why i feel like leaving too.

Feeling strangely buoyant.
If i am not careful, i will float away.

Babes... you gotta fix yer comment button.
Heh heh.

Can't wait for the long national day weekend.
Plus an extra day added to our annual leave to boot because saturday is a public holiday.

Lately i have been thinking of going overseas to pursue my doctorate. It has always been a goal that i have, perhaps more for the vanity of being called Dr. Lee. I think my parents are edging me on as well. Especially recently after what has happened. I am tempted to say the least. After all, my parents are supportive and i really ought to consider going before my PR in australia expires in the next two years (i am sure the aussies will take it back since i have not stayed in the country for the mandatory 3 years or something). I have seriously considered it before, but i would say that my decision of not doing it now is exactly the same as last time, notwithstanding what had happened in recent months; i simply do not have enough experience to generate any ideas for a research paper. I am happy doing the sort of clinical work i am doing now. But yet, i know it is not going to be enough in the long run. I have told myself just when i started work, that i would give myself 3 years at this job before accumulating enough experience and grounding for further studies. Now, i am half way through that 3 years and am still floundering with ideas. For a brief period of time, i have thought that if i were to get married within this 3 years, i would put my studies plans on hold for a while. But i guess, that is pretty much redundant. But that is alright, the first thing i have learnt about all these is that, i am way, way off from talking about the golden arches. And i really do not expect that to happen anytime soon, if at all. My youngest brother has been quite encouraging and edged me to join him in australia. In a way, probably to "help" me get over my personal problems. But seriously, no one should mistaken that i have decided not to go now, is because of relationship. It is never meant to be time now to leave. Not even if i have broken up or happily together with someone in a relationship. I think studies has never been an excuse for me. I do want it. On my own terms. When the time comes, i would go for it. If i am still in a relationship then, we will have to find a way to make it work. If i am not, it just meant one thing less for me to worry about. But rest assured that i will go when i am ready.

Realization no.43:

Its been 85 days and this is our fifth year.

Bought a new samsung phone.
The one that cost $38 as part of a promotion from singtel.
The person using it doesn't really seem to like it though.
I am just happy with my nokia 8250.

Been told that i am talking in my sleep.
Half the time, no one seems to know what i said.
It appears that i sometimes kick and hit out as well.
I don't recall any of it.

Well, two fridays ago, A1 dropped by my school filming for part of the President Star Charity show where we are one of the beneficiary. It was pretty exciting and the boys were cuter on real life than on TV. Especially Christian. I guess i am now officially a "boyband fan". You should see how they drove the maids hanging ard out school wild and screaming.